Feeling judged about using your smartphone when with your kids?

Instagramming.

Do you ever feel judged for using your smartphone while you're with your children? I haven't ever had anyone say anything to me, but it comes up in conversation & I feel like people are judging me for it. There has been a bit of hoopla online about it, plus I have heard a few things recently about technology preventing us from really connecting with each other. But I really think it's just another round of mother-shaming & here's why.

When I'm at the park, my thumb poking at my smartphone as my three-year-old plays, I'm often talking to my husband, a friend or someone in my family via text message or chat. Sometimes I'm grocery shopping or reading an article on parenting or checking work-related emails. At least once a day I'm taking photos or video of something my kids are doing that I want to share with their grandparents, aunts, uncles & cousins. I'm not sure why using my phone to do these things is bad.

What I am sure of, is that I would not be bonding with my children if I had to drag the both of them to the grocery store instead. Letting my kid play in the playground & his sister nap in her stroller while I shop, right there on the park bench seems like a much better alternative.

Since we are not independently wealthy millionaires, we can't afford childcare, so I squeeze in some blogging & writing work here & there while I can. Which means me being on my phone (or tablet, or netbook) while my kid plays or while breastfeeding.

My mom, sisters, cousins, aunts & uncles are on Facebook &/or Instagram. We get to see each other's children & hear about what's going on in each other's lives way more since we've started using social media regularly. I think me being connected with my family is good for my children.

Sometimes I'm just surfing Facebook while my son plays, it's true. But I feel that even that is a valid thing because it's what enables me to connect with other adults, but maybe more importantly, give & get support from other parents I know about this incredibly difficult role we're all playing. Dishing or commiserating with other moms in person is always awesome, but not often possible with everyone's different preschool, nap time, work & other schedules factored in.

Another response I have to the criticism of moms being on smartphones is to ask how is this different from things that existed for our parents & previous generations. For example, how is it different if I'm reading a novel on my phone--because I do use it as an eReader--rather than holding a real, paper book in my hands? How is chatting with my mom via Facebook different to talking to her on a landline? I'm sure that if I was having a conversation with another mom at the park, nobody would look askance, so why is it different if that other mom is chatting virtually, perhaps from another park in another city?

Obviously having a phone between a parent & her child literally ALL THE TIME would be bad & impede attachment, but who does that? All the moms you see with their smart phone in hand aren't using it 24/7. They're just trying to get one more thing done.

What's your take on this? Do you use your smartphone when you're with your kids? Do you ever get any flak for it?

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Word 'lite' Wednesday

When Sprout wakes up in the morning, he hops out of bed & runs straight into our bedroom. If it's really early (sadly, he wakes between 2 & 7am fairly often) he'll clamber over one of us, dig under the covers between us & go right back to sleep. The lovely nights where he sleeps right through until a reasonable time, he still runs straight in for his morning cuddles. This is also the time of the non sequitur. He says the oddest things to me just after he's woken up in the morning. Today it was, "Poop." Yesterday, "Mama is a bear."

I'm trying to enjoy these morning cuddles while I can, despite the kicks to the ribs & head butting that tends to go with them. Once I start school we'll be waking up, jumping out of bed & rushing around to get ready--no time for a half hour of cuddles in the morning.



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Sleep & Weaning

Gradually over the past few months, Sprout has stopped falling asleep while nursing. It used to be the fail proof way to get him down, but these days, unless he's really exhausted, it calms but doesn't knock him out. For a while this meant putting him in his crib awake, where he would alternate playing, babbling & crying for up to two hours. We'd take turns going in to calm him down several times before he finally succumbed to sleep.

Bit by bit the time needed to get Sprout to sleep has decreased. Most nights lately he has been wide awake when I lay him in his crib, but he he's gone to sleep in about 15 minutes with hardly a peep & no crying. Thankfully, his naps have evolved in a similar way, though it usually takes a little longer for him to fall asleep during the day than at night.

Inside the mind of a toddler

"Amah?"

Something I try to keep in mind when making the myriad parenting decisions that I do every day is Sprout's perspective on the world. This is hard for a couple of reasons. Firstly because I can't remember what it's like to be a toddler, so I have to try to imagine what it would be like to not be able to talk yet, to still be learning how to walk. Secondly, it's hard to keep his point of view in mind in the moment when I'm trying to change a diaper & he's mid-tantrum or he's demanding attention when I just need a minute to myself.

I'm sure it must be endlessly frustrating for Sprout because he doesn't have much control over most aspects of his life. We decide when he eats, sleeps, when his diaper gets changed, when he can get out of his stroller or high chair, where he plays, what he wears, nearly everything in his life. I try to take my cues from him as much as possible, feeding him when I think he's hungry, nursing him when I think he needs milk &/or comfort. We've never really followed a strict schedule when it comes to naps, bedtime, meals & so on. The way we introduced solid food--Baby-Led Weaning--has this principle at its roots: taking the baby's lead & letting them eat as much as they want of the foods they choose.

I see Sprout starting to realize that he can control his environment a little more with his new-found language skills. He's realizing the power of "No!" & I try as much as possible to respect it when he does say it. My rationale is that if he gets results from using words rather than shoving, hitting or crying, it will reinforce the behaviour that we want. I also try to pay attention to him & respond when he asks for something, though it's often difficult to figure out what that is when he's just repeating, "Amah! Amah! Amah!". We know this is a strong request for something, roughly translated as "I want that!" or "Can you do this for/with me?". However, when he's just saying it from his high chair & looking toward the kitchen, I have to play a guessing game with him. Is he looking at the fruit bowl? My drink--is he thirsty? Does he want cutlery? (he generally insists on using a fork or spoon if we're using them)

The fun side of trying to understand how Sprout sees the world is how much delight he takes in simple things like cuddling a teddy bear, being flipped upside down or reading his favourite board book. He makes me laugh constantly & I get to do all kinds of silly things as a parent with a toddler that would seem really odd as a lone adult. Playing on swings & playground equipment, making goofy faces & animal noises.

I hope the effort pays off in future & our relationship is as connected as we are now when he's able to verbalize what he's thinking. I hope that we'll talk about not just what he wants to eat when he's three years old, but also his hopes & dreams when he's a teenager.

Mondays

It's nice to get a break from mommy duty for a few hours during the week. Being at school, thinking of things other than diapers, snacks, drool & tantrums for a while is a relief sometimes. (Tempered by the annoyances of life as a student, however, that's for another post) But being away from Sprout for nine hours on Mondays is hard. The smile on his face as he crawls at top speed toward me when I pick him up at daycare is pretty awesome. The little hugs he gives me when I pick him up & the way he ravenously tucks into breastfeeding, even if he's just had a snack: it all makes me melt. I try to enjoy every one of those moments now because I know he won't be breastfeeding forever, eventually he won't have that glee upon seeing me, one day he won't need me this much. But for now I really enjoy the physical connection that we have, the cuddles, the nursing, the huge smiles, even the dependence.

My two cents on attachment

I saw a sad thing on the bus Wednesday, as I was heading to my Fit4Two class with Sprout. A woman got on just after me with a little baby in a stroller. The car seat that was clipped in had one of those zip up covers on it to keep the baby warm. The baby was drinking from a bottle propped up on the cover of the seat. At no point did his mother touch him & she never interacted with him at all during the time we were on the bus.

Maybe she doesn't feel safe holding her baby in her arms on the bus & prefers to have him strapped into the seat for safety, or maybe she doesn't usually feed him on the run at all & this was an exception... but I wonder how much time he spends in his mother's arms. Does she hold him when she feeds him at home? Does she ever use a carrier?

Say what you will about different styles of parenting being valid for different people, there is scientific evidence that proves it is beneficial to hold babies & children. The hormonal feedback loop that happens when you have skin-to-skin contact with your child helps both of you feel happier & helps your baby grow & thrive. Even if you're not breastfeeding & concerned with keeping your supply up through physical contact, it's still worth holding your child when you feed them to enhance bonding. We evolved suckling at our mother's breasts & being carried next to her body. I don't believe you can take that contact away without some health or developmental consequences for a baby.

I find it physically difficult to wear or hold Sprout for hours a day, as my arms are really not that strong, plus I've been struggling with hip muscle spasms, inflammation & arthritis in my feet lately. When we go shopping or if I'm going out for a few hours, I tend to buckle him into the stroller & take advantage of its cargo-hauling capacity. He seems to nap longer in the stroller than on my lap or in the carrier. However, I think Sprout's so much more content when in my arms. When he's tired or upset, he certainly calms down almost instantly if we pick him up & hold him. If I'm holding him, he is more secure & open to new experiences that might be a bit scary otherwise: playing with a dog for the first time; meeting new people at noisy parties & in public places; eating solid food the first time; watching noisy trucks, ambulances & construction machinery. Now that he's strong enough to be carried on my back (& I've gotten more comfortable loading him into the carrier that way on my own) I find I'm wearing him a little more.

It's important to be mindful of everything you do with your child & how it could impact them. It's more convenient to prop a bottle & leave the baby to it, but that's more or less how you'd feed a cat or a guinea pig. Is that the type of relationship you want with your child? I have my moments where I just need to be alone & away from Sprout for a while. It's draining to have a little person who is so utterly dependent on you every hour of the day & night. But if I'd really expected motherhood to be convenient & to maintain my pre-baby autonomy, I would have just gotten another pet instead.

The latest from Breastfeedingland

Yesterday I had an appointment in the afternoon & Sprout was going to need to eat after I had to leave, so I decided to try pumping before I left. I also wanted to see how much milk I could get out, as I'd never pumped except after a feeding. I confirmed what I'd suspected for a while: my right side produced only about half what my left side did. I only ended up with about 105mL, which is a bit less than Sprout probably needs per feeding, so I was a little sad about that. However, it was nice to finally know why I haven't had enough milk--one breast just can't produce enough. I resigned myself to supplementing, hoping to be able to continue the breast + bottle routine for another three months or so.

Today we had an appointment at the Vancouver Breastfeeding Centre. It's been three weeks since we last went & I was looking forward to telling Doctor Lin what I'd figured out yesterday then seeing what her suggestions were. We weighed Little L when we arrived, discovering that he'd gained 20 ounces in 21 days: right on track! Then I fed him on each side, weighing him twice more to see how much he was getting from each breast. This is what the doctors call a test feeding--the only way to know how much Linnaeus is drinking when he breastfeeds. The results were great: 5890g, 5947g & 6024g. He got about two ounces from my 'bad' side, then nearly three from my 'good' side. Dr. Lin was impressed & said that with a feeding like that, I no longer qualify as having a low milk supply!

We also talked about how much supplemental formula Sprout's taking. He rarely seems all that hungry after breastfeeding & we've all but stopped bothering with a bottle for his 'first breakfast'. Sometimes he flat-out refuses to drink from the bottle we offer: when we put it to his lips, he pushes it away with his tongue. Occasionally he humours us briefly & sucks a little bit of formula, only to spit it all out a few seconds later with a grin. He's also been feeding less frequently--sleeping through the night & sometimes going four or five hours between feedings during the day. Dr. Lin said it seems he might be taking the formula just because it's there & we are fairly persistent about offering it to him. If we just don't offer it unless he seems to be still hungry, he might start breastfeeding a bit more frequently. Higher demand might further increase supply. More importantly though, it would mean I might not have to always have a bottle, boiled water & powdered formula with me, at the ready every time I go out.

I came away from the appointment today incredibly happy. It's been my dream for over two months now to achieve exclusive breastfeeding without supplementing. I've fought through tears from pain when my nipples were cracked & bruised. I've wrestled with a flailing baby, desperately trying to get him to latch properly so he could drink deeply. I tried tickling him, poking him, rubbing his feet, cool wet cloths, anything to keep him awake & drinking. Day & night for a week both Oli helped me struggle with a lactation aid, feeding a tiny tube into the corner of Sprout's mouth as he nursed, so that he'd get supplement while stimulating more milk. I've tried herbal tincture, lactation tea, Domperidone & Guinness to increase my milk supply. I fed Sprout every time he asked for it, then pumped for at least ten minutes after every single feeding, even when I was away from home. I've worked for it: I really want this.

Besides the fact that breastfeeding is more convenient than formula feeding, it's better for Linnaeus: my milk is perfectly balanced nutritionally for his needs & easier for him to digest than something based on cow's milk or soy. I know Sprout would be fine even if he got no more breast milk at all--as a baby I was fed on formula only, as was my husband & many of our generation--we turned out fine. However, if I could stop using formula, I wouldn't have to worry about expiration dates or product recalls. I'd love to leave behind the never ending bottle-washing, sterilizing & keeping track of how long prepared formula has been in the fridge or at room temperature.

Another reason I keep breastfeeding is emotional: I love the bonding with my baby when I hold him against my ribs & watch his little face. I like the relaxing oxytocin haze that I often get while nursing. It's an amazing feeling to be able to instantly calm this little child when he's tired, cranky or just got his first vaccinations. I believe that the benefits of breastfeeding to babies (decreased chance of allergies, eczema, asthma, increased immunity, lower chance of being obese, better cognitive, social & psychomotor development, etc) as well as their mothers (lower incidence of breast, uterine & ovarian cancer, faster loss of 'baby weight', lessens osteoporosis, etc) are worth promoting. I think that if the women who are able to breastfeed did so for at least the first year or two of their baby's life, we might have a whole generation of healthier adults. Imagine the long-term consequences of that on the health care system!

I believe strongly that all mothers should be made comfortable to feed their babies in public. Forget the Udder Covers, Hooter Hiders & all the other brands of tent that women use to 'spare' the general public a glimpse of breast while feeding their infants. This is a political issue to me: I refuse to use one of those things, although I was given one, because I feel I should not have to hide my son under a curtain, or worse, feed him in a public toilet. He has the right to eat wherever & whenever he needs to & I have the right to breastfeed him where & when I choose. I think that my doing so as much as possible might encourage other women to do the same & also normalize it for whoever might be watching.

Well, that's enough ranting for me & now you've all got an update, I'll sign off.