What I'd do differently next time

After reading this post on Babble about things the writer would do differently with a second child, I started thinking about what my list might look like. I have to say, I thought about a lot of things carefully before doing them. I think this was because of a couple of things: having two years between trying to conceive, losing our first baby & Sprout's birth probably gave me more time to think about how I wanted to parent. Being older in the first place (nearly 35 when Sprout was born) probably helped too.

Baby bathtub was useful... like, three times.

However, there are still a few things I think I'll do differently this time around. Here's my list so far. Please don't hold me to it in future! ;)

1. Buy lots of gear. We tried to restrain ourselves & got a lot of loans/hand-me-downs, but this time we just don't need much of anything. Also, despite avoiding a lot of gadgets, we still ended up with quite a few things that were unnecessary.
2. Try to toilet train because of other factors than the child's readiness. I thought Sprout was almost there back in February, but the main reasons I was trying to train him is that he was going to daycare & he was getting diaper rashes a lot again. (cloth or disposable--it doesn't seem to matter, they cause problems) It didn't work. After a couple months, we backed off & he wasn't ready until about a month before his third birthday. Then he was really ready & it just happened all within a month: daytime control over pee & poo as well as nighttime dryness.
3. Not going back to work for nearly three years. I started to realize after two years of stay-at-home parenting that it was driving me crazy. When I was younger, I never really wanted to be a stay-at-home mom & after a few years of trying it, I can confirm that it's not really my thing. I think staying home after my daughter's birth for a year, maybe 18 months tops will be enough.
4. Worry so much about everything. I like to think I'm a fairly laid-back parent in a lot of ways, but there are still a lot of things I could relax about & hopefully I will with our daughter. I've already relaxed about what I'm eating & drinking during my pregnancy. Last time around I never had a drop of alcohol, would obsess over every ingredient in herbal teas & I never ate anything that was on the no-no list (deli meats, soft cheeses, hot dogs, etc). I'm still avoiding all these things, but I know that the amount of active ingredients in herbal tisanes is very unlikely to have any effect on my fetus, as is a sip or two of beer.

Baby Led Weaning in action

These are some things that I think worked well, so I want to do them just the same:

1. Baby Led Weaning. This was so much fun & easier than making purees. The book promised a child who is an 'adventurous eater' & Sprout has truly become that. We can feed him pretty much anything & he really loves a lot of healthy foods.
2. Cloth diapering. It is more work than using disposables, but not much. I feel proud that we only contributed a few garbage bins full of disposables to the landfill, rather than the house-sized pile it would have been if we hadn't used cloth. We have the laundry machines in our house & I have the time to wash the diapers, so it just makes sense for us to do it again. Also: with two kids in diapers for five to six years total, using mainly the same set of diapers, I estimate we'll save several thousand dollars.
3. Putting as much effort into breastfeeding as possible. This time around, if I have low supply issues again, I'm not sure I'll be able to do all the pumping, appointments, gear washing/sterilizing, etc that I did last time around. I'm trying to do as much research as I can & get myself prepared with supplements & a plan to get things started off as well as possible from day one.
4. The birth. I guess getting to the hospital a wee bit earlier would be a good idea (I was fighting the urge to push before we even got in the car) but otherwise, BC Women's nurses & my midwife gave us great care & I'd be really happy to have a repeat of the short, drug-free birth that I had with Sprout. I know I haven't got a lot of control over how it all goes, but I'll keep my fingers crossed!

How about you? If you have two or more kids, what did you decide to do (or end up doing) differently with subsequent children? Got any advice for us?

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Daycare Decisions

Park stop just after visiting home daycare 2/4.

I'm planning to do a short full-time program at SFU starting in about a month & then work full-time after that. We've been searching for childcare for Sprout for a while now & I have to say, it's one of the more stressful things I've faced. He's been in two other daycares before--once part-time at the family childcare centre (FCC) of a close friend & the other Buddings on an occasional basis--but since neither of those is an option for full-time care starting in February, we have to look elsewhere. I'm fairly confident in my judgement of people & I think I can find a good place for him, but I still have moments of worry that something will go wrong somehow.

Because I didn't decide to do this program until December, there's no way we can get in to a group childcare centre, though there are lots in our area. The waiting lists are just too long. So a home-based FCC it is. There are tons in our area & many who have a spot open at the moment.

I've visited four homes & interviewed the daycare providers. They all seemed like nice people & love children, but two stood out as better for various reasons. One being convenience--because we'll be commuting via bike & transit, taking too much of a detour along our routes would add to the two hour daily commutes we'll each have.

Another factor, of course, is cost. The rates have varied from $900-$1300 a month for Monday-Friday, am-5pm care for a 2.5-year-old. I was a bit surprised to find that licenced child care centres are often in the lower range of those rates, or even cheaper.

Location & cost aren't the only things we looked at, of course. Cleanliness, the toys & environment, outdoor space, activities offered, food & experience of the provider were all important too. I was a bit surprised to hear that one of the women also works nights as well as providing care for three toddlers five or six days a week. I don't know how she has the energy to do that & I worry about the impact the sleep deprivation would have on her capability.

I'd really like to get this decided, though it'll be weeks before Sprout starts there. The stress of trying to figure this out, on top of potty training & a few other projects I have brewing is getting to me. Speaking of potty training, I need to go change Sprout's pants... Sigh.

Do you have children in care at a daycare in someone's home? How many places did you visit before you decided? Have you got any tips for me? (Please, no horror stories!)


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An open letter to my dream cafe

Marche St. George has a basic toddler area

As the mother of a now very mobile & energetic toddler (though he's not at the extreme end of the spectrum--I have friends whose kids run laps around him) I have almost entirely stopped going to cafes during the day. I used to go a lot when Sprout was easily portable & would sit (or better: sleep) in his stroller, on my lap or in a carrier for hours. But now that he's likely to run straight out the open door of a cafe into traffic, I can't just sit & enjoy an overpriced chai soy latte or a half-kilo muffin in peace.

Pretty much all of the cafes I used to love going to have some sort of major hazard or two that make them off-limits to me & Little Mr. Curious. Even the ones that try to be kid friendly often miss the mark a bit. Glass terrariums set on low shelves, doors always wide open to  streets with heavy traffic, fireplaces, display shelves full of breakable mugs at toddler height, lit oil lamps, play kitchen near an oven, buckets of choking-hazard sized toys.

I guess the people who own cafes in Mount Pleasant are already making money enough, but they could make even more by catering to all the parents of toddlers who are free during the day. Seriously, this is not a small market--there are a lot of us who work from home, work part time, work nights or whatever--just look at any morning drop-in gym, Strong Start program or community centre tots class. We get serious cabin fever staying home with the kid(s) & we'd love somewhere that we could actually sit, have a drink or a snack (better yet, beer!) while the kids occupy themselves in a play area full of new, interesting toys. Yes, I get to meet & talk to other parents at the aforementioned kids activities, but we rarely get to finish a sentence without having to dash off & nab a kid from a ladder, an overturned ride-on toy or the glue pot at the crafts table.

Business owners, if you cater to us, we will become loyal devotees because there aren't that many other places we can go. We're social media savvy: we will blog about you, check in on Foursquare, post about you on Facebook & tweet about you. We will talk about it in our stroller bootcamp classes & at the drop-in toddler gym. We will bring friends. If our kids like you, they will beg us to go all the time & we will give in to stop the whining. Then we'll come in & buy food & drinks for both/all three/four/five of us. Think of the turnover: even if you're really kid-friendly, we won't likely stay much longer than an hour anyway--you can earn a lot more money from us than all those people who camp out with their laptop for hours, buying one coffee.

So here's my wish list for this new kid-friendly establishment in Mount Pleasant:

1. Get a sturdy play kitchen & fill it with toy food, dishes & pots. If you're worried about noise, plastic dishes are quieter & Ikea has (washable) fabric food.
2. Don't put the play kitchen near the oven, the door or any other potential hazards.
3. Large building blocks & cars are also fun, cleanable & not that tedious to pick up at the end of the day.
4. The play area doesn't have to be huge, nor does it have to be fenced off entirely, but enclosed on three sides will make it easier for parents to relax.
5. Keep the toys safe for all ages: don't have anything that's small enough to fit through a toilet paper tube so no little ones can choke.
6. If you have the square footage, have a seating area near the kids area & one that's separated for those who aren't fans of the younger & smaller sized humans.
7. You don't have to spend a mint on gear--there's lots on Craigslist for super cheap--but don't stock it with broken or dirty toys.
8. Have a kids menu (hint: salads don't usually go down well with small children) of quick to prepare foods so kids can get their meals/snacks really fast. This will avoid a large percentage of low-blood-sugar tantrums.
9. Have a baby change table in EVERY washroom. It ain't just women who change diapers, you know.
10. If you offer table service, make sure to train all your staff on serving hot things around children: don't put tea/coffee/steaming food within their reach & don't move it over their heads when you're putting it on the table. 
11. Make sure you have a lot of high chairs. If they take up too much room (there are stackable ones) get some boosters that strap onto chairs--they're pretty small to store.
12. Leave enough room between tables so that strollers can actually manoeuvre. Better yet, provide an area for stroller parking.
13. Have a lost & found--we lose stuff all the time but would love to get it back.
14. Get a liquor license! Just because we're with our kids during the day doesn't mean we wouldn't like a beer or a glass of wine.

Parents: have you got any ideas to add to this list? Cafe/restaurant owners: are you convinced yet?

A conspiracy?

The first rule of Parenthood is: you do not talk about how difficult it is. The second rule of Parenthood is: you do not talk about how difficult it is.

I think it's a bit of a conspiracy that parents never really admit how difficult raising a child is, particularly the first few weeks & months. I can think of a few reasons for this:

1. Rather than a duty or social obligation, having children in our culture is more or less seen as a personal choice, so the attitude seems to be: "Well, you've made your bed, now lie in it!".
2. Admitting that it's the hardest thing in the world & we made a bunch of stupid mistakes along the way is a bit humiliating.
3. We think we're supposed to just do all this naturally & don't want to admit to others that we don't know what we're doing, or how steep the learning curve really is. Nobody wants to admit that they wanted to toss their baby out the window.
4. We do some parenthood math: balancing out the joys with the stress, anxiety & sleep-deprivation, the bottom line being net positive.
5. Post-partum depression is a mental illness & our society still doesn't accept mental illness as valid or guilt-free in the way that something like cancer is accepted, so few women talk about it.
6. If we were honest about it & the childless actually believed us when we told them what it was like, they would never have kids.

 What do you think? For those of you who haven't got children, have you ever had a really frank conversation with a parent about how hard it was? For the parents out there reading this, do you tell people honestly what the really hard stuff it is/was like?

Adjusting, pumping, supplementing

The past two weeks have been a process of coming to accept that my life is now totally run by this little boy, after so many years of more or less doing what I choose. I think this process is going to take a long time, over the next few years, as I get used to being a Mama.

Last week we were still running on a bit of a high & just wanted to go out & do things to enjoy our summer. We had our first outing on the bus, brought Linnaeus to the PNE for my birthday, took a few walks, started using the wrap carrier & sling I made, had lots of visitors, went out to a restaurant. I was thinking about visiting Linnaeus' great-grandparents & imagining travelling to Europe with him in the spring or summer.

Monday this week, the midwife came over for our one-week visit. She weighed the baby, but little Sprout had only gained an ounce in his second week. He'd gained well in his first week, so I was a bit blindsided by the slowdown & very distressed about it. The stress has affected my sleep & appetite, which probably hasn't helped my milk supply.

I cancelled nearly everything so I could stay home & deal with the breastfeeding issues I'm having. Oliver has been sent out at least once daily on a three-day scavenger hunt to buy a breast pump, herbs & tea, formula, bottle nipples, donor milk from the milk bank.

It's been one of the more stressful weeks of my life, as I'm worried that things might not improve. I really want breastfeeding to work. I've been taking herbal tincture with Fenugreek & Blessed Thistle to increase my supply, hopefully. I'm also drinking Mother's Milk Tea--another combination of herbs to help stimulate more milk production. I pump after every feeding & then feed the milk to the baby through a lactation aid as I'm feeding him at the next feeding. My midwife also suggested 'topping him up' with either donor milk from the Breast Milk Bank at BC Women's or formula.

Later this morning we bring him to the midwife's office to weigh him again. I'll try to find some time to update the blog with the results of this week's efforts to fatten up Sprout.

I hope in a few weeks I will be happily breastfeeding without tubes, bottles & donor milk & I can look back at this one & wish I hadn't gotten so stressed out over everything... I'm very grateful for all the support I've had so far: My family has been wonderful & Oliver is really trying hard to take care of me & Sprout. My midwives & doula have been helpful & in touch daily this week. My friends are also great for encouragement & empathy. So whatever happens, I'm doing my best & so is everyone around me.