And the rollercoaster heads back down again.

The verdict is in: supplementing  when we think he's still hungry isn't working. Linnaeus gained just over two ounces in eleven days. That is not good. He should have gained three or four times that much. I feel horrible, because we've been half-starving him for the last week & a half, when I thought he was getting enough. Our tactic was giving him formula just when he seemed hungry after breastfeeding. Evidently the lines of communication were not working & we have to supplement more than an ounce here & there.

I'm really feeling down about this because I was beginning to think that my milk supply might be catching up with Sprout's needs. I also feel horribly guilty for starving the poor little guy for the last eleven days. He did start to feed more frequently, which was part of the plan, but that apparently wasn't enough to stimulate more milk. Sigh. Back to the drawing board.

I still feel like he's getting enough in the first two or three feedings of the day, so I don't think we'll bother with a bottle top-up then. Today we offered the baby a bottle around two, before we went out, but he only wanted 15mL & then pushed the bottle out with his tongue. Maybe we'll just offer it in the afternoons & evenings when my milk supply is probably lower.

When we go to our appointment at the Vancouver Breastfeeding Centre next week, I hope he'll have gained more weight. Then I'll have a chance to ask some of the things I've been wondering about, like: is this it for my milk supply, or is it possible it might still go up a bit more? Could coming off the Domperidone have lowered my supply at the same time as we were giving him less supplement? When we start feeding him solid food, could that take the place of some or all of the formula we're currently topping him up with? It'll suck if I have to drag formula AND food around with me whenever I go out.

Second-guessing

I've enjoyed the last few days of breastfeeding. Sprout has fed a bit more frequently than he was doing before, although he's still all over the place--nowhere near a routine anymore. Today he seems hungrier than usual & I'm hoping that it's his three-month-old growth spurt. He's fed eight times in the last fourteen hours plus we've topped him up with formula twice this evening when he still wasn't satisfied after breastfeeding. He keeps falling asleep for about a half hour, then waking up again.

The last time he woke up suddenly with a squeaky little cry that he's done a handful of times. Maybe he had a bad dream? He was just sleeping on my lap, so I was able to scoop him up & hold him instantly. I like to think I'm a fairly empathetic person & I have many family members & friends that I really care about, but the pain I feel when my son cries is unbelievable. Not when he's just fussing because he's tired, or crying out of hunger when we're in the car or somewhere I can't immediately breastfeed him, but the rare occasions when he's really screaming.

Aside from the sleep deprivation that goes with breastfeeding a newborn, the thing that's most exhausting for me is the constant concern for his welfare. The word 'worry' doesn't really encompass how I feel when he cries, or the myriad of choices we have to make for his future. I'm constantly checking that he's not too warm or too cold & I still find myself listening for his breathing as he sleeps pretty much every day. It's a fine line to walk: trying to be confident & relaxed, to enjoy this, while still doing everything I can to be the best mother & make the right choices for him.

My main worry right now, which I'm trying to put out of my mind, is that Sprout's fussiness & seemingly insatiable hunger today is not a growth spurt, but possibly a sign that reducing the Domperidone dosage is adversely affecting my milk supply. I've decided to try to keep doing what we're doing: just breastfeeding & only topping up when he still wants more, typically once or twice in the afternoon or evening. I will wait until we weigh him in three weeks at our appointment with Dr. Lin at the Breastfeeding Centre. If he's gained a reasonable amount of weight--I think about 24 ounces is what he should be gaining--I will stop worrying that we're starving him.

The latest from Breastfeedingland

Yesterday I had an appointment in the afternoon & Sprout was going to need to eat after I had to leave, so I decided to try pumping before I left. I also wanted to see how much milk I could get out, as I'd never pumped except after a feeding. I confirmed what I'd suspected for a while: my right side produced only about half what my left side did. I only ended up with about 105mL, which is a bit less than Sprout probably needs per feeding, so I was a little sad about that. However, it was nice to finally know why I haven't had enough milk--one breast just can't produce enough. I resigned myself to supplementing, hoping to be able to continue the breast + bottle routine for another three months or so.

Today we had an appointment at the Vancouver Breastfeeding Centre. It's been three weeks since we last went & I was looking forward to telling Doctor Lin what I'd figured out yesterday then seeing what her suggestions were. We weighed Little L when we arrived, discovering that he'd gained 20 ounces in 21 days: right on track! Then I fed him on each side, weighing him twice more to see how much he was getting from each breast. This is what the doctors call a test feeding--the only way to know how much Linnaeus is drinking when he breastfeeds. The results were great: 5890g, 5947g & 6024g. He got about two ounces from my 'bad' side, then nearly three from my 'good' side. Dr. Lin was impressed & said that with a feeding like that, I no longer qualify as having a low milk supply!

We also talked about how much supplemental formula Sprout's taking. He rarely seems all that hungry after breastfeeding & we've all but stopped bothering with a bottle for his 'first breakfast'. Sometimes he flat-out refuses to drink from the bottle we offer: when we put it to his lips, he pushes it away with his tongue. Occasionally he humours us briefly & sucks a little bit of formula, only to spit it all out a few seconds later with a grin. He's also been feeding less frequently--sleeping through the night & sometimes going four or five hours between feedings during the day. Dr. Lin said it seems he might be taking the formula just because it's there & we are fairly persistent about offering it to him. If we just don't offer it unless he seems to be still hungry, he might start breastfeeding a bit more frequently. Higher demand might further increase supply. More importantly though, it would mean I might not have to always have a bottle, boiled water & powdered formula with me, at the ready every time I go out.

I came away from the appointment today incredibly happy. It's been my dream for over two months now to achieve exclusive breastfeeding without supplementing. I've fought through tears from pain when my nipples were cracked & bruised. I've wrestled with a flailing baby, desperately trying to get him to latch properly so he could drink deeply. I tried tickling him, poking him, rubbing his feet, cool wet cloths, anything to keep him awake & drinking. Day & night for a week both Oli helped me struggle with a lactation aid, feeding a tiny tube into the corner of Sprout's mouth as he nursed, so that he'd get supplement while stimulating more milk. I've tried herbal tincture, lactation tea, Domperidone & Guinness to increase my milk supply. I fed Sprout every time he asked for it, then pumped for at least ten minutes after every single feeding, even when I was away from home. I've worked for it: I really want this.

Besides the fact that breastfeeding is more convenient than formula feeding, it's better for Linnaeus: my milk is perfectly balanced nutritionally for his needs & easier for him to digest than something based on cow's milk or soy. I know Sprout would be fine even if he got no more breast milk at all--as a baby I was fed on formula only, as was my husband & many of our generation--we turned out fine. However, if I could stop using formula, I wouldn't have to worry about expiration dates or product recalls. I'd love to leave behind the never ending bottle-washing, sterilizing & keeping track of how long prepared formula has been in the fridge or at room temperature.

Another reason I keep breastfeeding is emotional: I love the bonding with my baby when I hold him against my ribs & watch his little face. I like the relaxing oxytocin haze that I often get while nursing. It's an amazing feeling to be able to instantly calm this little child when he's tired, cranky or just got his first vaccinations. I believe that the benefits of breastfeeding to babies (decreased chance of allergies, eczema, asthma, increased immunity, lower chance of being obese, better cognitive, social & psychomotor development, etc) as well as their mothers (lower incidence of breast, uterine & ovarian cancer, faster loss of 'baby weight', lessens osteoporosis, etc) are worth promoting. I think that if the women who are able to breastfeed did so for at least the first year or two of their baby's life, we might have a whole generation of healthier adults. Imagine the long-term consequences of that on the health care system!

I believe strongly that all mothers should be made comfortable to feed their babies in public. Forget the Udder Covers, Hooter Hiders & all the other brands of tent that women use to 'spare' the general public a glimpse of breast while feeding their infants. This is a political issue to me: I refuse to use one of those things, although I was given one, because I feel I should not have to hide my son under a curtain, or worse, feed him in a public toilet. He has the right to eat wherever & whenever he needs to & I have the right to breastfeed him where & when I choose. I think that my doing so as much as possible might encourage other women to do the same & also normalize it for whoever might be watching.

Well, that's enough ranting for me & now you've all got an update, I'll sign off.

Hungry Monkey

Sprout had a bit of a catch-up growth spurt this past weekend: Thursday he weighed 8 pounds 0.5 ounces, today he was 8 pounds 8.5 ounces. So now he's gained 18.5 ounces since we left the hospital 19 days ago. Whew.

I think he's getting tired of wearing the same newborn sleepers day in & day out. He wants to grow into all the 3-month-sized onesies & outfits he's gotten as gifts.

I'm still working on latch issues, sucking back herbal tinctures & lactation tea like there's no tomorrow & pumping after feedings, but I feel a little more positive about it all today. Seeing the midwife & getting reassurance that Linnaeus is healthy & fattening up helped. I also got a prescription for Domperidone, which I am hoping will be a magic bullet for my supply issues... Keep your fingers crossed for me.